Gaara plus Cookie equals WTF
by Dance Sode no Shirayuki
Summary: Ichigo's attempt at crack. What a day in Konoha. Gaara ate a cookie, Shikamaru isn't a lazy ass, and Soul Reapers are freaked out by Ninjas. Pairings: SasuSaku, ShikaTema, NaruHina, NejiTen, IchiRuki, RenjYoru. Ino and Karin-bashing. Gaara on Sugar High.


**This is written by Ichigo. I'm bored as hell in Barcelona right now, so I thought I'd write a fanfic. Th****is had no planning at all, so expect it to be absolute crap.**

**Disclaimer:**** ….yeah, I wish.**

**Note:**** 1. This contains traces of Bleach in it, in particular – IchiRuki.**

**2. This is set after Shippuden, when Temari is 21, the Rookie 9 and Gaara ****are 19, and Team Guy is 20**

**Rated:**** M for swearing, but that's about it. And maybe innuendos. **

* * *

One day, a lazy-ass cloud watcher (A/N: guess who) was walking around the village, on the training grounds just looking at clouds, thinking about how wonderful it would be to be a cloud.

He was knocked out of his reverie when a girl, wearing a kimono and wielding a giant iron fan, ran up to him.

"HeyShikamaruhaveyouseenGaara?" Temari asked in a rushed voice.

"Nope, but I know what we could do" he replied.

"What?" the blonde haired jonin questioned.

Shikamaru chuckled, then said, "This", he then proceeded to push the surprised girl against a tree in the training grounds and kissed her passionately.

Meanwhile, at Ichiraku's Ramen:

"I want a cookie" Gaara said to the surprised Tenten, who had been quietly sharing her cookies with Neji.

"Get lost" Neji Hyuga said to the youngest sand sibling.

Gaara glared at the Hyuga prodigy, then proceeded to make his sand steal one of Tenten's cookies.

"Hey!!" Tenten yelled, but gave up. She wouldn't be able to get that cookie back anyway.

Neji however, had other ideas.

When Gaara was about to eat the cookie he had stolen, Neji sneaked up behind him and grabbed the cookie.

When Gaara realized that someone had stolen his precious cookie, he looked at Neji with a very upset look on his face.

He then started to cry uncontrollably.

"All I wanted was a cookie! How could you do that ! One cookie, one cookie!" he sobbed.

"Neji, what do we do?" Tenten asked the Hyuga, who currently had a 'WTF' expression on his face.

Well, come on, it's not everyday you see Gaara of the Desert/5th Kazekage crying.

Back at the training grounds:

While Temari was getting her tongue raped by Shikamaru's tongue, Team 7 was tree-climbing with their feet.

"Hey, Sakura, Teme, other teme, Kakashi-sensei look at that !" the blonde ninja of Team 7 said, or rather, yelled.

Sakura, Sasuke (who had returned to Konoha 5 months ago after killing his brother and the child molester he had trained under), Sai and Kakashi looked over at the scene of the lazy ass cloud watcher kissing the only female sand sibling.

Sakura marveled at how impulsive her best friend from the Sand could be.

Kakashi giggled, and pulled a camera out of his vest to go take pictures of the preoccupied couple.

"Perv" the pink haired medic of the Team said in disgust.

"Wait, maybe that means that Gaara and Kankuro are here as well" Naruto said.

"Either that, or sand girl came here just to suck face with lazy ass" Sai said emotionlessly.

"Maybe I should go do that with a chick that likes me and who I like" Naruto said, happy at the thought.

"What sane woman would like you, dickless?" Sai asked to the blonde idiot.

"…. I don't know. Sakura, do any of your friends like me?" Naruto asked the Medic.

"Well, Tenten likes Neji, Temari – well, you can guess who she likes, Hinata likes you" Sakura answered the blonde dumbass.

"Does she?! Yay!! I like her too!! Thanks Sakura!! Bye!!" Naruto yelled, running off to find the Hyuga heiress he liked.

"Kami, he's slow" Sasuke said.

"Just because he didn't gulp down energy drugs to make himself run faster doesn't make him slow" Sakura said.

"No, I meant that he couldn't tell that she liked him all along, while he clearly liked her himself. But I guess Hinata's the same, I mean he liked her but she didn't noticed" the Uchiha said to the cherry blossom haired girl.

"It sounds like you speak from experience. Did you like that red haired girl with glasses that followed you when you came back?" Sakura asked, talking about Karin.

"Ewww. Was Karin even a female? I thought she was a alien from another planet or something. No, I hated Karin, I only needed it on Taka for chakra sensing purposes. And didn't you kill her or something?" he answered.

"Yeah. One punch. Which didn't even have my strength I learnt from Tsunade in it. What a weakling. And you thought I was weak and annoying" Sakura said.

"I never thought that you were weak. You had the best genjutsu and chakra control out of Naruto, You and I. And I didn't really find you annoying either, for that matter" Sasuke said to her.

"So what do you really think of me, then?" Sakura asked with a curious look in her eyes.

"Let's find out" Sasuke replied, before grabbing the medic around the waist.

"What are you-" Sakura got cut off by Sasuke's mouth against her own.

Sai walked off saying something about "Ugly, the Uchiha probably doesn't even have a dick", which led to Sasuke throwing a Windmill Shuriken at the artist.

At the Hyuga compound:

Naruto ran up to Hinata, who had just finished training with her father, Hiashi Hyuga. She looked at the running blonde haired ninja and stopped walking and blushed madly at seeing her crush.

"H-hi N-Naruto-kun" she stuttered.

"Hey Hinata, I'm just wondering, do you like me?" Naruto asked with hope in his eyes.

"N-no" Hinata said to the Nine-Tailed Fox container.

"Oh. Ok, I'll leave then" Naruto said sadly, walking away from her.

"N-Naruto, wait!!" Hinata said to him.

Naruto turned to her, looking very upset.

"I d-don't like you, I l-love you" she confessed.

Naruto, after her words processed through his mind, jumped over to the Hyuga with a ecstatic look on his face, and cupped her face with his hands, and said to her:

"I love you too, Hinata" Naruto replied before kissing the shy girl.

Back at Ichiraku's Ramen:

"What do we do about Gaara, Neji?" Tenten asked the Hyuga prodigy.

"Leave him" Neji replied.

"Neji!! Come on, all he wanted was one cookie, and he is the Kazekage, so let's let him have one cookie, ok?" Tenten said.

"…. Whatever"

"Thank you, Neji"

Tenten walked over to the still-sobbing Gaara.

"Umm, Kazekage-sama? I'm sorry about that. I just thought that you were trying to steal all of my cookies. My mother only just made them, and they're my favourite kind, so I didn't want them all gone. But please forgive me. I'll give you the cookie back" Tenten said to Gaara in a calm tone.

Gaara slowly reached out for the (as he put it, deliciously tasty) cookie. He said thanks and started to nibble on it like a hamster (A/N: I hate those evil furballs). It took all of Tenten's self control not to laugh out loud at the way he ate the cookie.

After Gaara had finished eating the cookie, something inside him snapped.

He jumped up on his feet at a speed that would put Sasuke's speed to shame, and bolted, singing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song.

"Uh, Neji, that can't be good" Tenten said, worriedly.

"Who cares? He's gone now. Anyway, Tenten?" Neji asked the brunette haired girl.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you want to go on a date with me on Thursday this week?" he asked nervously.

"Sure!" Tenten happy replied.

"Good. See you tomorrow then" Neji replied.

With Gaara:

Gaara was currently running so fast that he had crashed into the same building about six times. He then thought of a genius idea.

Well, an idea that seemed brilliant to his sugar-possessed mind, anyway.

The training grounds:

Shikamaru was still playing tongue hockey with his and Temari's tongue (A/N: Don't ask me to explain).

While at the other end of the training grounds, Sakura's jacket had nearly been completely ripped off by the Uchiha (whose hormones had finally started working) whom she was kissing.

Then, all of a sudden, a red and white blur rushed past Sasuke and Sakura, startling them. It then stopped at where Shikamaru and Temari were, and stood still.

"Hiya Temari-nii-chan!!" Gaara said happily to his sister.

Temari removed her mouth from Shikamaru's to yell at her brother who had interrupted her and her Shikamaru's make-out session.

Even if he was the Kazekage, Temari, Sakura, Tenten and even Hinata could easily kill anyone when majorly pissed. Especially Sakura.

"Fuck off, Gaara. Can't you see that we are busy right now?" Shikamaru said angrily to Temari's brother.

"Yeah, exactly – WHAT THE HELL GAARA !!" Temari screeched.

The reason Temari had screamed at him was because ….

……..

… all he was wearing at this moment was the Sand Village headband.

No ninja shoes, shirt or jacket.

Absolutely nada apart from his headband.

Sasuke unwillingly tore his mouth off of Sakura's for one moment to tell Temari to stop screaming, but saw Gaara.

"Put some clothes on, man!" Sasuke said the Kazekage.

"Gaara, you are the Kazekage, why are you acting like this?!" Temari asked, shocked at her brother.

"Gaara went to lady for cookie. Gaara took cookie. Gaara got cookie stolen from evil man with girlie Herbal Essences hair. Gaara cried for cookie. Nice lady gave cookie back. Happy Gaara" Gaara said with a huge grin on his face.

"What? A cookie – oh fuck" Temari said.

"What's wrong with that?" Shikamaru asked her.

"Cookies are packed with sugar, which equal hyperactivity. Gaara is very sensitive to sugar, therefore –"

Before Temari could finish, Gaara had run off again, singing 'Barbie Girl' and 'I'm Too Sexy' whilst being completely naked.

"GAARA!! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE NOW!!" Temari yelled at the top of her lungs to her little brother.

Her and Shikamaru ran off after Gaara.

Training grounds:

Whilst Sakura and Sasuke were preoccupied, again.

The Uchiha's hormones started working (again), and he grabbed the pink haired medic and ran to the Uchiha compound, stabbing Ino Yamanaka in the heart in the process.

Ino was never useful or important, anyway.

And so, at the end of the day, Gaara was caught, but by his girlfriend and student, Matsuri, of whom helped get Gaara back home to the Sand Village.

Temari was granted permission by Tsunade and Gaara to live with Shikamaru in Konoha for 3 years, and when that was over both Hokage and Kazekage would discuss how much longer Temari could stay after that.

Hinata and Naruto ended up eating ramen with Hinata at the Hyuga compound, and found that Hinata's ramen tasted better than any of Ichiraku's.

Neji walked Tenten home, but they got interrupted by Gaara, who had gotten over his sugar rush and was looking for his clothes. He then asked Tenten for another cookie, but got shooed away by the Hyuga, claiming that he was "the only one that can eat her cookies".

Sasuke and Sakura ended up having wild, crazy, animal sex at the Uchiha compound. The Uchiha then proposed to the Haruno, saying that he loved her and wanted her to marry him and help restore his clan, of which Sakura hugged and kissed him and that turned into Part 1 of "Operation: Restore the Uchiha Clan (if you know what I mean).

Kakashi had managed to take pictures of all the couples, and planned on showing the ones he had of Sasuke and Sakura to Jiraiya so he could put them in a new volume of the Make-Out books Jiraiya writes and possibly illustrates (A/N: -insert shuddering-).

However, what none of the shinobi knew was that five Soul Reapers had been watching them all day, to observe the behaviour of the people in Konohagakure.

"What the Fuck?! That was freaking creepy!! I mean first there was that pervert taking pictures of the people who were making out, then that red haired guy was naked after eating a cookie!! One cookie!! Ninjas are fucked in the head. I'm going back to Soul Society. C'mon, Yachiru" Kenpachi said to his pink haired midget partner as he and Yachiru left.

"Yep, he's right. Ninjas are odd. But they get a whole lot of action. I'm going back to my Renji. Bye guys" Yoruichi said to the last remaining Soul Reapers as she left.

"Rukia, give me back Zangetsu, now" Ichigo said to the black haired Soul Reaper.

"So sorry, Mr. Territorial Bitch" Rukia replied sarcastically as she handed Ichigo his Zanpakuto.

"Hey, Rukia, what were those people doing? You know, the pink haired one and the one with a chicken's ass hairstyle?" Ichigo asked Rukia, playing dumb.

"They were, put simply, restoring the male's clan" she answered.

"Oh" Ichigo replied.

……..

……..

……..

"You wanna do that with me for the Kurosaki and Kuchiki clan?" Ichigo asked while smirking.

……..

……..

……..

……..

"…….. Geez, Ichigo, you make a girl wait for it, don't ya?"

* * *

**Present for Rukia: I Love You So Fucking Much. Seriously.**

**Also a present to Rukia's friends:**

**Soi Fon: Yes, I am evil. But I put SasuSaku, so bleh.**

**Yoruichi/sillychild23: I'm nice. I put the pairing RenjYoru, even though I kind of like RenjSoi more.**

**Thanks to all who read this, and one more thing:**

**R**

**E**

**V**

**I**

**E**

**W**

- Ichigo


End file.
